Humor Quotes - Page 118

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor.

His neighbor is a tooth-drawer. That bag at his girdle is full of the teeth that he drew at Winchester fair. I warrant that there are more sound ones than sorry, for he is quick at his work and a trifle dim in the eye.

Wit is cultured insolence.

Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal.

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

Theres no drama like wrestling.

We enact many laws that manufacture criminals, and then a few that punish them.

Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger.

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else unless it is an enemy.

Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

I call my balls the bush twins.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ!