Humor Quotes - Page 125

A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

Giving up the illusion that you can predict the future is a very liberating moment. All you can do is give yourself the capacity to respond... the creation of that capacity is the purpose of strategy.

Comedians are not usually actors, but imitations of actors.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution.

When you lose the power to laugh, you lose your power to think straight.

Cultivate a sense of humour. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good.

One parody is worth a thousand polemics.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.