Dylan Moran Quotes - Page 3

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive

I'll work for whoever wants to hire me. Even the jewelry channel.

So here are some foolproof recipes for those of you who understand the true function of food. Bean Treat: Gingerly pour four fluid oz of beans or something into a jug. Cry. Eat the beans from the jug and pour the rest from the can down your throat. N.B. These taste better if they belong to somebody else in your house. Pain au Dunk: Fists of bread, rent from the loaf and dunked into anything runnier than bread. Should eat at least six of these because…you should. Don’t toast the bread. Toast is cookery.

I've always wanted to visit [Washington]. The Smithsonian has some fantastic archival material on blues music, which I'm really into. There's a ton of stuff I want to do there. but it just never happened.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away."

I do not walk around imaging myself to be intimidating or smart.

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

You have to assume that you're talking to the most intelligent, tuned-in audience you could ever get. That's the way you're going to get the best out of people. Whether they know you or not shouldn't matter for comedy. They should get to know you pretty quickly. and they should be having a good time pretty quickly.

I dont watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the most. Something gets you when youre alone and someones voice is coming through their work. Theres a different quality to it that stays with you a bit more.

In my personal life, my family makes me laugh more than anybody; I think that is the same for everybody. I certainly hope it is.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

People do need a social license to go, "Ha ha ha," and have a good time. It's a strange thing. There's a lot of social ritual around comedy and laughter. It's a bonding experience for groups, but nobody can tell you much about how funny somebody is. Sometimes people just need to be in a group and be laughing together, just like they need to be in a group in watching some really terrifying film.

I've got better things to do than read rubbish about myself.

Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written.

Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now

You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...This is fantastic. I'm in heaven.