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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 31

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

At the time, we were mad at Moammar Gadhafi, which resulted in us bombing all over Libya and killing a bunch of people, but not him. Then Ronald Reagan gets up and says we're not trying to kill him, we're just dropping

At the time, we were mad at Moammar Gadhafi, which resulted in us bombing all over Libya and killing a bunch of people, but not him. Then Ronald Reagan gets up and says we're not trying to kill him, we're just dropping bombs. You can kill all the Libyans you want, but legally you can't try to kill the leader.

Mad, People, Leader

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

Actually, there are people from all ove - not just Latin America, certainly not just Cuba, but all over Europe, all over the United States. I like that. I like knowing a lot of different types of people. And I can afford to live in a relatively safe part of Miami.

Latin, Europe, Knowing

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives.

Country, People, Effort

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion.

Fathers Day, Dad, Missing

Reporters aren't stupid. We were standing around talking about which of the 900 health-care proposals that nobody's going to accept is that day's hot news. They know how silly that is. But that's what they do.

Stupid, Silly, Talking

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

Funny, Baby, Couple

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.2, Rodale

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.

Honesty, Business, Men

I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.

House, Knows

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot.

Law, Parent, Helping

""All I Think Is That It's Stupid": An Interview with Dave Barry". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift.

Education, Thinking, Mail

Dave Barry (1986). “Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week”, p.11, Rodale

Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

Food, School, Years

"Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need". Book by Dave Barry, 1991.

I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit. I say that as a parent.

America, Bullshit, Parent

"'All I Think Is That It's Stupid': An Interview with Dave Barry". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.

Meaningful, Jobs, Real

"The Phil Factor Interview with Dave Barry! (yes, that Dave Barry)". thephilfactor.com. September 10, 2013.

The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That we live in a world were women actually expect you to think thoughtful thoughts, and have real emotions, which we don't have. Having to try to live up to the imaginary ideal that women have of what men are, instead of just being what you are, which is just a pathetic creature, but still.

Real, Thoughtful, Simple

Interview with McClain Johnson, mcclainjohnson.com.

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.

Children, Birth, Given

"Dave Barry on Bieber, 'Fifty Shades' and Jane Austen". Interview with Bob Minzesheimer, www.usatoday.com. March 5, 2014.

Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER.

Funny, Travel, Wish

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.262, Ballantine Books

France: As a professional journalist, I like the idea of a society where it is considered an acceptable occupation to basically sit around and drink.

Ideas, Occupation, France

Ask any real estate broker to name the three most important factors in buying a property, and he'll say: "Location, location, location." Now ask him to name the chief justice of the United States Supreme Court, and he'll say: "Location, location, location." This tells us that we should not necessarily be paying a whole lot of attention to real estate brokers.

Real, Names, Justice

Dave Barry (2010). “Homes and Other Black Holes”, p.11, Ballantine Books

The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.

Teeth, Green, Hello

I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn't know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.

Real, School, Two

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.32, Ballantine Books

If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created beer. This is not to say that I am recommending that you totally ignore your responsibilities as a homeowner and just sit around all day with a can of beer in your hand. No indeed, I have long been a believer in purchasing bottled beer, and pouring it into a chilled glass.

Responsibility, Home, Beer

Dave Barry (2010). “Homes and Other Black Holes”, p.8, Ballantine Books

I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.

Thinking, Routine, Anesthesia

Dave Barry (2010). “I'll Mature When I'm Dead: Dave Barry's Amazing Tales of Adulthood”, p.83, Penguin

Most guys believe that they're supposed to know how to fix things. This is a responsibility that guys have historically taken upon themselves to compensate for the fact that they never clean the bathroom. A guy can walk into a bathroom containing a colony of commode fungus so advanced that it is registered to vote, but the guy would never dream of cleaning it, because he has to keep himself rested in case a Mechanical Emergency breaks out.

Dream, Taken, Believe

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.

Doors, Effort, Important

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.67, Ballantine Books

Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silver powder from the window so you could look inside.

Thinking, Drawing, Perfect

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.92, Ballantine Books

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